While I do have my own personal and political views one may surmise accurately or not, my position on this subject is not political, it is practical. I have treated many gay people, couples and families in my practice over many years. I hear their stories, witness their journeys, watch their children grow, support them in their careers, help them with communication skills, and sit with them while they grieve losses. The rather boring truth that gets lost in all the hype and rhetoric is that gay and straight people and couples are just not that different.

The woman sitting at the bedside of her beloved same sex partner of many years as cancer determines the end of their life together grieves no less than the woman who witnesses her husband’s final breath laying on their kitchen floor. The gay couple who commit to one another in marriage begin with no less hope and joy than the heterosexual couple, and neither feels more or less pain or disappointment if that marriage ends in divorce. What is different between gay and straight couples is that straight couples are heralded for legally committing inside the definition of “traditional marriage,” an option that has been denied most gay couples. The difference is discrimination.

I will go out on a limb here and say that I have seen some significant differences between gay and straight families. Out of all the children brought into what I call “alternative families,” through birth or adoption, I have never seen one single child that was not cherished, appreciated, and happy, including if the parents were to split up. These families do not take their children for granted because they know how fortunate they are to have them, a possibility that could not have existed only a short time ago. I have witnessed a loving and committed gay couple foster and finally adopt children abandoned by their heterosexual biological parents who chose drugs instead of family, leaving both children with severe learning disabilities the new parents aggressively pursuing ongoing treatment to improve. Some would say these families are an “abomination,” some would say the children would be better off in an orphanage. Some might even say they should be aborted. I say these families are beautiful, and I should know because I have seen them first hand, and continue to hear from and get pictures from many for years after treatment ends.

Now, please do not read me as saying gay individuals, couples and families do not have problems. They certainly do, and that is part of what makes them like everyone else. What they do not have is a “gay agenda” or a “lifestyle.” The agenda is to be able to live life without discrimination, just like minorities, people with chronic illness, women, etc. “Lifestyle” indicates choice, and this is not a choice. I am a long time vegetarian–this is the lifestyle I have chosen, knowing I have other options I can access anytime I want, or not.

Those who self righteously use religion to defend their position of judgement and hatred miss the point, but are unfortunately the loudest voices we hear. It’s time the rest of us speak up. So, today I am choosing to “come out” and say, I support gay marriage.

Mother and daughter relationships are about as complicated as relationships get with books and research devoted to the subject. We crave being close at the same time we need to push away for our own independence, and that dynamic can challenge the best of us.

I know I gave my mom a hard time sometimes—okay, a lot of times. If she could, she would tell you it was worth it, I was worth it. Over the years, we both worked very hard at our relationship making it not just good but great. When she died and people near me readily saw my devastation, many commented, “You are so lucky you had that kind of relationship with your mother.” I bit my tongue until one too many people made the same ignorant remark and I let it rip. “Luck had nothing to do with it! We made our relationship great!”

So, in honor of Mother’s Day, I am sharing my recipe for a great parent-adult child relationship. Take TWO committed and willing participants who want to learn and grow together. Share your feelings openly and honestly, good and bad, and listen with an open heart. Throw in a handful of your favorite spices and a big splash of love to make your own unique masterpiece. This recipe works, my mom and I proved it. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I miss you every day.

As another Mother’s Day approaches, I decided now is a good time to talk about dads.  While little girls watch their mothers closely as role models, they look to their fathers for their sense of self worth.  The messages the daughter receives from the father, from overt to implied, have a major impact on the girl’s developing self esteem that influences life choices well into adulthood.

When considering the impact of a father’s presence, it is important to consider the daughter’s age and developmental stage.  The greatest impact I have seen repeatedly and consistently in my practice has been roughly between the ages of 5 and 8.  Trying to logically figure out how a little girl this age is affected using adult thinking can be a guarantee of getting it wrong.  To understand the impact requires the use of child logic.  For example, a girl thinking her father does not love or want or like her believes there is something wrong with her, instead of there being something wrong with her father who she sees as larger than life.

An absent father during early formative years can be the cause of what is often referred to as an “abandonment script.”  There are many different ways a father can be absent and abandon his child.  A father in the room who is passed out drunk on the sofa is absent.  A father who abuses his child verbally, emotionally or physically is an absent father, instead he is a perpetrator.  A young girl abandoned by her father is set up to seek the attention and approval of male figures, never feeling good enough and sabotaging herself by the the very choices she makes.  These woman frequently set themselves up to unknowingly repeating the abandonment they know and subconsciously believe they deserve.

Conversely, I have seen the positive results of good parenting by some great fathers.  I have seen divorced fathers, fathers who work long hours, military fathers away for long periods all have a very affirming presence in their daughter’s lives.  Modern day inventions have made staying in touch easier than ever, and new trends in co-parenting for divorced parents who succeed in putting their children first can pay off big time.  A father who ensures his loving words and actions are in sync and delivers the consistent message to his young daughter that he cares and can be counted on is an important investment into the daughter’s mental health and long term happiness.

Insider information here to dads everywhere from a therapist who deals with too many wounded women:  DAD’S  MATTER and they matter a lot.  Send this to a day you know now, including your own.

Most if not all of us experience bad moods from time to
time, but how do you know the difference between going through a bad time and
being clinically depressed?   I am frequently asked, “Do you think I
need medication?”  For the majority, therapy without medication can be
helpful in getting back on track and staying there.  For those who do
benefit from anti-depressant medication, combining medical treatment with
therapy has been consistently proven in research to be the most effective
choice for sustained success.

The process of getting a good diagnosis is not as simple as
“yes” or “no.”  Each mental health condition exists on a continuum,
ranging from a little to a lot.  Situational depression occurs when we are
presented with undesirable and unwelcome challenges but we manage to find our
way through.  However, you may find that nothing unusual or upsetting has
occurred but you are struggling with painful emotions that affect your ability
to function normally in your life, affecting work, relationships, and perhaps
your overall health.  The general rule of diagnosis is that if the
condition has lasted more than two weeks, it’s time for a professional
assessment.  Having your own personal guide through this sometimes
complicated process can mean the difference between adding more frustration and
getting your life back.

The first challenge is figuring out where you meet people.  I hear comments frequently that online dating is for “losers,” but the same people making the comment have either done it or are getting ready to do it.  Whether you meet people online, at speed dating events, at organized singles mixers, by matchmaking friends and family, or anywhere else you can think of, it’s good to remember that the odds are not in favor of the first one being The One.

The dating process is a good way to learn about what you do and don’t want in a potential partner, as well as how you present yourself.  If you like someone but that person isn’t interested in you, it simply means you don’t match what the other person is looking to find.  If you meet someone who likes you but you don’t feel the same, that person doesn’t match what you are hoping to find.  And bad dates always make good dinner conversation with friends later, so all is not lost when things don’t go well!

It is good to have some basic rules in mind before and as you go through your dating experience.  Here are a few of the tried and true tips from my practice where relationships are the major focus of daily discussions.

• The ONLY goal of a first date is to decide if there is going to be a second date! Keep it light, keep it fun, and keep it short.
• Listen more than you talk.  Your goal is learn about the new person and that means hearing what they say.  It’s amazing what you can learn if you simply listen, good and bad.
• Give the person a chance.  While it’s true that first impressions count, most people are nervous on first dates and may need a little time to relax.
• If and when you get frustrated, take a break and start over later.  If you force yourself to keep dating when you are feeling burned out by the whole experience, you are not likely going to present yourself at your best.
• Tell the truth.  Lying about your age, your marital status, whether you have children can really backfire, especially if you like the person and later have to explain how your first interactions included you misrepresenting yourself.  Worse yet, you lie to someone you don’t like who turns out to be friends with someone you meet later who you do like!
• If you meet someone you really do like and the feeling is mutual, remember that our brains during infatuation make us silly in ways we may regret later.  Enjoy the feeling and the fun, but avoid making major life decisions until your feet are back on the Earth.

The first step to burn out goes with high level, high stress jobs and careers:  Show no weakness!  Revealing vulnerabilities to employees, clients, customers, vendors, lenders or even family who all count on you is a luxury many feel they just can’t afford.  You may remember the old movie “All That Jazz.”   The lead character played by Roy Schneider’s, looking beaten and battered as he faces yet another day, gazes into his bathroom mirror and announces, “Show time!”  It’s kind of like that; some days it’s a lot like that.

But, instead of talking about burn out as I have seen it in the past, I want to comment on what I am seeing in the present.  The economic disaster, and all it entails, has brought a whole new face to this old subject.  Whether affected directly or indirectly, no one has been left unscathed.  So many businesses have not survived these past few years, but the ones that have deserve recognition for their impressive achievements.  But, most high achievers don’t settle for a pat on the back for a job well done because they are too busy looking forward to what comes next and next after that.

I work with and know personally many of these resilient business people.  In speaking with some of them, I am hearing a definite theme emerging.  Burn out tends to come and go, but what is happening now is that it has come and isn’t leaving anytime soon.  The relentless determination it has taken to survive has left many business owners and professionals battling chronic bad moods, tenuous relationships, health problems triggered or at least exacerbated by relentless stress, and not nearly enough time for fun.  Good news is things do appear to be starting to rebound, offering hope of a better future.  Bad news is the professionals who have survived to do business another day are depleted, just when they need more energy not less.

The people I am describing typically do a pretty good job of taking care of themselves.  They tend to eat well, go to the gym, have strong social outlets, etc.  What they tend not to be good at doing is taking breaks from their super human personae to just be vulnerable.  My recommendation today for the best Business Plan designed to continue success into the unknowable future is to find someone you trust, that you can tell “I’m tired” or “I’m scared” or “I’m angry” without risk of repercussion.   Maybe it’s your best friend, maybe it’s your therapist, maybe it’s your lawyer or CPA—I have the best who I know always have my back.  We now know that what we hoped was a sprint is in fact a marathon, and those who pace themselves carefully will be the ones who go the distance.

A healthy relationship between friends, by its very definition, is a relationship between equals.  This is the great power of a best friend—we can both be ourselves with unconditional acceptance and without judgment.  This is where we have the luxury of feeling safe.  A parent-child relationship, by its nature, is a one-up-one-down relationship, not equal.  The parent is the caregiver from the start, the teacher, the guide, the permission giver, and the problem solver, responsible for the child.

Specifically regarding the recent headline news story, the idea that the now deceased parent and young adult child were “best friends” is wishful thinking.  A parent, or in this case parents, whose primary relationship is with drugs unfairly puts the child in the role of caregiver, grown up way too soon in a toxic environment destined to leave scars.

A child’s best friend should be another child while parents are needed as parents.  Friends may come and friends may go over the course of a lifetime, but you only get one original Mom and one original Dad, parents in a special category all by themselves.