So by now, most of those New Year’s Resolutions have gone as flat as the leftover bottle of champagne in the fridge.  You can see Willow has clearly given up on hers.  Maybe it’s time to stop setting unrealistic all-or-nothing goals and start experiencing small, sustainable changes that improve your life in positive ways.

I am not a nutritionist and am not giving nutrition advice.  I am approaching this subject as someone who works with addictive processes and people struggling to improve undesirable habits.  It’s a subject that comes up frequently in my practice with many reporting approaches destined to fail.  If you are one of these people, try taking a bite out of one or more of the following suggestions for how to create success in your eating rituals.

*Focus on the things you can eat, not the things you can’t.  Deprivation is a path to relapse, not success.

*Go to a bookstore (if you can find one) and look for a cookbook with new recipes you find interesting and with tons of inspiring photos.  The best way to replace something undesirable is to replace it with something new and interesting.

*Instead of giving up foods that are bad for you, trade them for foods that are good for you.   For example, replace that white bread with a high quality whole grain alternative.  In time you might actually be surprised how much better the whole grain bread tastes.  Besides, no one should eat anything that can sit on the counter for months and not spoil, mold or rot!

*If you know you are going to a social event where food you want to avoid will be served, consider taking your own food with you so you can eat but still enjoy the company.  You might be surprised when others join in over time making you a savvy trend setter.  I guarantee you aren’t the only one wanting to lose weight, lower cholesterol, lower glucose, increase fiber, or decrease medications.

*Pay attention to the rituals you have around food that may be important to you.  Plan on ways to keep the ritual but lose the unhealthy substance.  Everyone else may be drinking alcohol with all the empty calories but you can have a diet soda with a slice of lime and no one will ever be the wiser.  How about a refreshing iced tea without the Long Island?

*Consider designating one or more days of the week as meat free.  You don’t have to be a vegetarian to enjoy the plethora of healthy and delicious recipes available.

*If you are waiting until you are skinny or can wear your jeans from high school to be happy or to like yourself again, it won’t work.  When we feel badly about ourselves is when we are the least nurturing and most critical.  Positive change comes from nurture, not criticism.  The best plan for the best results is to embrace yourself with loving thoughts today to create a happier and more successful  tomorrow.

*Most important of all, as the old saying goes, it isn’t how many times you fall off the wagon, it is how many times you climb back on!

No one calls a therapist for fun or when things are going well.  You call a therapist when you have tried your best yet continue to get disappointing results and see the need for professional help.  Often people tell me they have had my number or website saved for months before they make the first and so significant call.

With so many different licenses these days, so many titles, knowing what you are even looking for can be incredibly confusing–and just when you need help most.  Add the increase in certification programs, online education, schools offering degrees from non-accredited programs, a steady increase in titles suggesting mental health treatments that are not licensed and may have no educational requirements, and it can be one big mess.  I was recently reminded in helping a family member find a therapist just how overwhelming this search process can be.

If you are considering inviting a mental health professional into your life, your relationship, your family, your life, DO YOUR HOMEWORK FIRST.  Once you are clear what your particular needs and goals are, start looking for the right services and the right provider for you.

*CHECK OUT CREDENTIALS!

*Figure out the questions to ask and ask them.  Use the same questions for each person you speak with to enable a direct comparison.  Any evasiveness in answering appropriate questions should be met with suspicion.

*Go to my Tips page on this website for help on “How to Shop for a Therapist” and to learn about the different licenses in Nevada.

*Seek recommendations from friends or family members, but start don’t stop there.  Just because a therapist was good fit for one person doesn’t mean the same therapist will be a fit for you.

*Contracts should be clear up front.  Beware paying huge up-front fees for unproven services.  Beware guarantees that cannot in truth be guaranteed.

*Beware loss of privacy and confidentiality required only of licensed professionals.  A friend who is a famous entertainer argued with me that the person he was seeing for counseling who did not have a degree or license and was charging double the going rate was still providing him with helpful services—until he learned she was using his name in her advertising!

*If you plan to use your health insurance to pay for your therapy, start by getting a list of approved providers from the insurance company first, rather than waste your time calling therapists who are not on the list.

*Be prepared to leave a message when you call.  Most private practice therapists do not employ supports staff and therefore handle our own calls.  Since we are in sessions during the work day, we cannot always be available to answers calls but calls should be returned in a timely manner.

*Beware of inappropriate boundaries.  If the person approaches you with uncomfortable physical contact, pushes you to embrace a religious or non-religious belief, joins you for your family vacations or drinks at your favorite bar, RUN!

*Beware anyone who expects you to hand over your decision-making power to him or her.  Good therapy helps a person find their own power, not hand it over to someone else!

*If you do not feel a fit when you speak with a prospective therapist on the phone, keep looking.  If you have a first session and do not feel a fit with the therapist, move on to the next option.  All research supports that the relationship with the therapist is the most important determining factor in satisfaction.

If the goal of being a perfectionist is to be perfect, it begs the question, what do you do perfectly?  The answer challenges the very concept quickly.  Nothing!  If the goal of being a perfectionist is to be perfect, then the goal itself is unachievable and a set up for ongoing disappointment.  It also comes with a toxic hidden message that too many carry, namely, no matter how hard you try you are never good enough.  I compare it to a computer virus that runs silently under all the other programs you have, corrupting everything without you knowing until your computer just doesn’t work right anymore.

Making mistakes is part of how we learn.  I know when I think back on my life, the biggest mistakes have been the greatest and most lasting lessons—although at the time I would have gladly taken a pass.  When you missed answers on a test in school, what did you study harder for next time?  I do not believe that making mistakes is a failure.  I do believe that not learning from mistakes leads to failure.  Remember the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over, thinking you will get a different result.  You won’t.

I know of only one path to being perfect, and it is a path I like.  That journey is to accept that you are the perfect you right here, right now!  Oh, I hear you, but indulge me a moment.  There is no better you than you.  You are not the same you today as you were yesterday, nor are you the same you you will be tomorrow.  Today you are the perfect you, perfectly flawed, perfectly growing.  The lessons you are learning are not generic from a textbook we all have to read, the lessons are yours.  They may look similar to another person’s lessons, but that’s all they can be, similar. Seen this way, what a gift those mistakes can be!

Accepting yourself without judgment, being fully present in your own life, and enjoying the adventure you are on, sounds pretty perfect to me.  What about you?

I cannot begin to count the number of times I have been asked this question over the years.  It is a serious question that is asked by serious people who want a serious answer.  Those asking are feeling confused or frightened, as if their world doesn’t make sense to them anymore and they are struggling just to find a foothold.

I believe the real underlying question in this situation is,“Is it me?”  What seems like the logical answer for the person looking within themselves, trying to understand and figure out what they can differently to make things better, is NO, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY–it only feels like it.  The problem is that logic seems to get lost when things are so far out of sync and trusting Self gets lost in the process.

To be clear, “crazy” is not a descriptor used in the world of mental health.  If you look in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for mental health providers, there is no such diagnosis.  Despite this fact, the use of the term never goes away and describes so much in one tiny little word that it remains highly effective.

Sometimes life can be really crazy, but it doesn’t mean you are.

It’s always good to have help at the office and you can see Willow is already hard at work. She is a 3 month old Polish Lowland Sheepdog, PON for short, and the newest member of the staff. She started her new career the minute she came home and is already training for her second career as a show dog. Look for her in the ring soon!

When I grew up in Ohio, a New Year always began with the traditional meal of pork and sauerkraut. The smell of the kraut wafted through the house, permeating every nook and cranny, determined to chase away any lingering evil spirits. Now, sauerkraut is one of those dishes people either love or hate, so it could have been a good or bad thing to have that smell everywhere. Fortunately for me– I LOVE sauerkraut!

I’ll never forget the first New Year when my young children and I moved from Ohio to Atlanta, Georgia. I went to the grocery store in search of the ingredients for our annual New Year’s dinner, the first in our new home that most certainly needed a sauerkraut ritual. Only I found none of the familiar displays of ingredients or anything that looked familiar in any of the stores I visited. Baffled, I finally had to start asking, “Where is your supply of pork and sauerkraut for New Year’s?” No one knew what I was talking about! I felt like I’d slipped through Alice’s looking glass. Finally, I realized I was asking the wrong question. “What is the traditional New Year’s dinner here in the South?” The answer came quickly and consistently, “Black-eyed peas and ham hocks, of course!” Pigs’ feet? Gross! No sauerkraut? You’re kidding, right?

This experience got me to think for the first time about how rituals can differ culturally and geographically and throughout time. Living in one place for the first 30 years of my life lulled me into the arrogance of thinking everyone else was like me, like us, the people who did it the right way, the way everyone else should do it. Today, many life experiences and locations later, and as a therapist, I have come to honor the diversity and the significance of these rituals that in many ways define who we are as people.

Certainly it would be impossible to count or name all of the rituals practiced by as many people and cultures as exist and have existed on the planet. The rituals can be good, bad and everything in between. They can be simple like brushing our teeth every day, compulsive like washing hands repeatedly, cherished like birthdays, and complex like honoring the anniversary of Pearl Harbor. It’s a good time of year to think about the rituals you honor in your own life and why they are important to you. Me? I’m making sauerkraut. I’m not taking any chances on those evil spirits!

WISHING YOU ALL GOOD HEALTH, PROSPERITY, AND MUCH HAPPINES IN 2012!

When I try to identify the voice, it does sound familiar. It’s definitely female with a definite agenda. Could it be my mother who worked so hard as a single mom to make the holidays special for her children? Is it my grandmother who surprised each and every one of her grandkids with something special every year? Is it my aunt who decorates her house so beautifully it puts Macy’s to shame? Maybe… But wait, I think I know. It sounds very familiar. OMG! It’s me!

Why on earth do we do this to ourselves? Why do we spend money we can’t afford, eat food we shouldn’t eat and commit to more events than there are days in the week? You could argue that the reason is because it’s a religious holiday, but I don’t buy it. Many people who are not religious or are not Christian go through the same dance. How did something that used to be so much fun turn into retailers putting out the merchandise before Halloween and crowds the day after Thanksgiving needing to be kept in check by Security Swat Teams? Dare I say it? Me, a therapist? It’s CRAZY.

Now, this is the point in my blog postings where I try to offer something encouraging and tips that may be helpful. I’m sorry to say it, but I’m afraid I am going to let you down this week. I have more shopping to do. There are presents to wrap. I have to figure out what I’m cooking for Christmas dinner, make my grocery list and get to the store to buy all the ingredients. I hope I don’t forget something and have to go back. What if I don’t have enough gift wrap to finish the presents? How much should I tip my bug guy and do I have to put it in a card? HO HO HO, indeed.

As many know, my lifelong passion has been dogs, attending and participating in shows since I was a young girl. I was very excited to be able to travel to Philadelphia recently to attend the National Dog Show that aired on NBC Thanksgiving morning. Not only was it the annual “specialty” for my breed, Polish Lowland Sheepdogs (PONS), it was also our 10-year anniversary in the AKC, a big deal to say the least. As I was driving back to my hotel from the show the last night, events took a sudden and ugly turn.

I was driving on a busy two-lane road in a heavily wooded area and saw a deer bolting out of the woods and headed straight into the roadway and my rental car. My brief glance gave me time to slow down and veer off the side of the road, an action that probably saved the deer’s life and maybe mine. I panicked when I saw the deer flailing in the road with no idea what I could or should do, but it managed to get up and run off back into the woods. My driver’s side door was smashed in and the window frame broken; the deer and I had been mere inches apart.

I didn’t know whether I was going to cry or be sick or both. I sat there long enough to calm myself and make sure I was safe to drive again, and then I pulled back out onto the road. My first thought was that I just wanted to go home, back to the desert where deer don’t run into cars. Then I started thinking about how we worry about so many things, not giving a potentially fatal encounter in just one instant much thought at all. John Lennon was right, life is what happens while we’re busy making other plans.

Now, in all fairness, there really is a lot to worry about in our lives and our world today. Even I slip up from time to time. A devastated economy, unemployment, upside-down houses, a completely broken healthcare systems– I could go on as I’m sure could you. But, had I not seen the deer headed my way, if I had not been so lucky as to walk away, none of that worry stuff would have mattered. What does matter is that today is a very good day and I intend to make the most of every minute. What about you?

I’ll never forget the day I met the man who became my mentor, my guide, and ultimately my very dear friend. I was young and naïve but full of determination with no clue what a mentor was, let alone what a good one can do for you. I was lucky because my mentor found me. He helped me navigate my way through the giant and complex world of General Electric. He showed his own courage by knocking down walls to my benefit at a time when women in management were few and far between. He believed in me before I believed in myself.

Now, this is the point in my story when some people have said to me, “He was hitting on you.” Nothing could be further from the truth! A good mentor, a real mentor knows the power he or she holds and would never use that to take advantage of the person they are helping. This is a pay-it-forward system as those of us who found our own successes acknowledge none of us did it alone. My relationship with my mentor changed over time into a lifelong friendship that included both our families, our dogs, eventually our experiences of becoming self employed, and his death a few years ago broke my heart. Without the help of my mentor, I never would have had the career success I was able to achieve that exceeded my dreams at the same time allowed me to provide for my family in a wonderful way. He knew how grateful I was, but he could never know just how much.

Today, Mentoring has developed into multiple definitions. There are formal mentoring programs in many if not most companies, big and small, as well as in schools and professional organizations. These are programs where someone is assigned to be a mentor to a new, incoming individual to help them meet people and learn how to navigate a new environment. Sometimes the programs are called “buddy” and sometimes “mentor.” I designed and launched a Mentoring training course while at the GE Leadership Center and am a huge supporter of these types of programs, but they are not the kind of mentoring I am talking about here.

I am promoting a form of organic mentoring, where the relationship comes together easily, through common interest and commitment, and grows naturally. This mentor is someone invested in the mentee without any personal agenda or expectation for anything in return. The mentor is someone who has successfully walked his or her own professional path and shares the wisdom gained with their younger counterpart, maybe even preventing a repeat of errors and lessons learned the hard way. A mentor can clear the way of obstacles and guides rather than makes decisions. A good mentor is honest with you, even when it hurts.

If you are serious about having a maximally successful career, you owe it to yourself to find a good mentor. It can cut years off your learning process, possibly open doors, help you through the rough spots, and create greater success than you may have ever anticipated. It isn’t necessary to find someone who has the exact career you want to have, just someone with a proven track record for success in the environment you plan to make your career home. Find the person who has achieved what you hope to achieve, someone you like and likes you, and someone who is willing to take the time to help. Once you have your mentor, you are already ahead of your competition. And, if you are really lucky as I was, you too may end up with a lifelong dear friend.

My case involved both blatant verbal and physical assault, but it was the 80’s and I did not see that I had any recourse if I wanted to keep my job. There were many days that I pulled my car into the garage after getting home from work, sat in my car and sobbed. When I was refused a promotion for a job I had been performing for many months, I’d had enough and sought legal counsel. The attorney told me he could see I had a promising future ahead of me and advised me to say nothing to protect that potential. Yes, he did. I ended up doing the only thing that I felt I could do—I left the organization.

I could get on a soapbox here. I could get on a soapbox for people both unjustly accused and for people victimized. I could get on a soapbox about family members who protect known perpetrators within a family, as well as schools and corporations and churches that protect known perpetrators. I could get on a soapbox about so many injured children who carry their wounds into adulthood, about woman whose voices were stilled as their choices were smashed, and about men who were crippled by the shame of their assaults that too many say they should have been able to stop or they should have enjoyed. I could get on a soapbox about how so many victims are the ones who get attacked, even in cases when there were witnesses to their assaults. And I could get on a huge soap box about the arrogant entitled narcissistic bully perpetrators who get to go on with life unscathed as if they have done nothing wrong, and in fact may even believe they did nothing wrong. But, getting on my soapbox suggests that I have answers when in fact what I really have is questions, one in particular. What is it going to take for it to stop?

NOTE: I will be taking some vacation next week. Look for my article on Mentoring the following week.